Title: A Different Class - Spatula Contest Entry
Author: H
Email: hdleonard@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: PG-13
Fandom and Pairings: Original
Status: Complete
Date: 9 March 2002
Archive: Yes
Disclaimers: Mine, all mine. Note the setting isn't traditional medieval
fantasy, it's my own skewed world. Characters belong to me. I'm forever in
Pluto's debt, without whom this fic would have undoubtedly just been left to rot
in some dark corner. She's an absolutely amazing betareader, especially reading
and responding in the short space of time I had left and helped renew my faith
in this fic whilst pointing out all it's glaring errors. I can't thank her
enough. Anyway on with the story.

~~~
Rain snatched the piece of paper from his friend and began reciting.

"The skies are blue,
"My love for you,
"Is true.

"What sort of drivel is that? You can't seriously be considering sending it to
someone. Who's the unlucky girl?"

"Boy," Law corrected sternly. "Man," Law changed his mind as he stood,
irritation practically dripping from him as he glowered down at the fey youth.

Rain, although renowned for being the runt of the entire castle stood his ground
until he'd read the entire thing.  He quirked a brow in response then shrugged.
"And you're planning on sending him this?" The piece of paper was then handed
back with a flourish.

"Do you believe that you could do better?" Law sank back down onto the chair
near his desk and picked up the quill once more. He leaned over the parchment, a
single strand of ebon hair falling free of its strict confines.

Rain nodded enthusiastically not caring that the gesture could not be seen. "It
would be hard to do worse."

"What would a mere kitchen boy know of poetry and the finer arts?"

"More than you it would seem, mi'lord." Rain threw the title in with more than a
liberal dose of sarcasm. Yes he remembered his place, and no he didn't give a
damn.

Whilst most would be severely reprimanded for such impudence Rain somehow
managed to get away with it. Many whispered that the key to Rains survival was
witchcraft. Scarlet hair, green eyes and born at sunrise on the longest day, all
the omens had marked him different. Whilst different most often meant bad, for
Rain the signs had been favourable.  He was marked as lucky and it just did not
do to make that luck turn against you.

"So what, in all your expertise, would you say was wrong with it?"

"I'd start by asking myself what was right with it if I was you? The rhyme's
forced, the words are trite and it sounds just like every other single love poem
I've ever heard."

"And I am certain that you have great experience of such things."

Rain wrinkled his nose choosing not to comment.

Silence reigned for a few moments. Unearthly green eyes fixed on stubborn brown
as a battle of wills took place. With a sigh Rain glanced away and attempted to
sit next to the other man. "Budge over and give me the quill. I'll see if I can
help. Now who's the lucky boy?"

"Justice."

"*Prince Justice?*"

"Yes of course Prince Justice.  You should not sound so surprised. I have a
title after all." Each word delivered with a near irritating preciseness as if
to grind home his point.

"But he's so arrogant and slimy," Rain paid Law's words little heed. They'd
known each other for years, since before the knighthood that had become the
wedge to drive the pair apart.

"You should not speak of the Prince in such a manner," Law chided.

"It'll be damn hard to find a rhyme for his name too you know. Justice
schmustice..."

"He is looking for a companion." Law repeated the news that every single person
in the palace already knew.

"Someone to train with, not just to warm his bed."

"I can fence."

Rain continued to laugh. "You really think he'll choose you out of all those
vying for his attentions."

"Why would he not?" Law asked, offended.

Rain sighed, realising he might have overstepped the mark and yet not willing to
admit to it.  "Because you suck at poetry for a start."

"Then *you* write it."

"I said that I would, though if you ask me the last thing the prince will want
is yet more dreadful poetry."

"I did not ask you, did I?"

"Perhaps you should have," Rain countered.  "So do you plan to send the poem on
its own?"

"Of course not, I shall send it with the most beautiful flowers man has ever to
behold."

"Are you crazy? It's the middle of winter? Where will you even get flowers from?
Every single bloom in the entire kingdom has been picked by overzealous suitors
in an attempt to win the prince's heart already."

"They have?" Emotions warred on Laws features, horror winning at the very
prospect he would be too late.

"Yes as you would know if you got out of your room more often and stopped
mooning over dreadful poetry. You know, personally, I never thought the prince
seemed like one for flowers.  A manly man like him seems more into things of
use. Send him something practical instead. Perhaps a new scabbard for his
sword."

"I need to send him flowers," Law sighed longingly. "Tradition says the first
gift is poetry and flowers."

"You know best then.  I'll see what I can do," Rain muttered. "If there's a
flower left in this kingdom I'll bring it to him in your name. Now about that
poetry..."

~~~

"You sent him a bag of flour?" Law cried with outrage.

"Yeah, don't worry.  I sent it in your name, along with a note about why flour
was so much more practical than flowers. Poetry seemed a bit of a waste of space
if you ask me."

"But I did not ask for your opinion. A simple task performed was all that I
required. Whatever shall the prince think of me now?"

"He'll think you're the only one in his kingdom with half a brain. Flour is
practical, you can eat it, it won't wither and die. Of course you have to cook
it first but you can do so many different things with flour."

"I cannot believe that you sent him a bag of flour in my name. He will think
that I am a simpleton."

"He will remember your gift.  It will stand out from all the others," Rain
pointed out.

"He'll wish for me beheaded for the insult.  I have paid him - the insult *you*
have paid him."

"Oh stop being so melodramatic. You could always just go up to him and explain
the mistake."

"I could not, such would be most unseemly," Law said.

Rain paused for a moment, considering. "He practices swordplay in the yard at
dawn. We could arrange to be there accidentally."

"And what would a mere kitchen boy and the third son of the Duke of Eastbrook be
doing there?"

"Hey enough with the 'mere'. I'm trying to help you which is more than you can
say for your peers. If they found out you were competing with them for the dear
Prince's attentions... well I'm sure it would not be a pretty sight. We would be
sparring of course."

"But what do you know of swordplay?"

"Nothing of course, but you can always teach me."

"I could do no such thing."

"You could and you will even if I have to drag you out of bed myself," Rain
pointed a finger sharply at the outraged noble.  "You shall have no peace until
you actually talk to him and stop all this far away drooling."

"I do not drool," Law protested.

"Well not yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time."

~~~

"Ow... I feel stupid, I swear this is worse than dancing."

Law sighed.  "You are well and truly hopeless."

"It's not me, it's this stupid sword I tell you."

"A bad workman always blames his tools. You are just holding it wrong." A man
with liquid honey tones - that could never have been Law's - announced from
behind Rain.

Rain tensed at the intrusion, spinning round so quickly he managed to wallop the
person on the side with his wooden practice blade.

"OW! Hey," the intruder held up his hands to stave off any further blows.

"Don't you know it's stupid to sneak up on a guy with a sword?" Rain did not
bother to apologise.

"The way you were holding it, it was a wonder that you could hit anything, let
alone a person."

"I wasn't trying to hit you."

"Precisely. Now just shift..."

"Your highness..." Law finally blurted out positively drooling over the golden
haired god that was standing only a few paces away from him. "Please accept my
sincerest apologies," the young noble began to babble.  Perfect teeth displayed
for the entire world to see, fixed in an almost permanent grin.

Prince Justice barely seemed to notice the other noble, obviously not deeming
his statement worthy of attention. "Yes if you shift your hands like so." He
moved closer to Rain in an attempt to show him exactly how to wield the sword.

Instantly Rain dropped the wooden blade on the ground, backing away from the
Prince, scowling.  "I don't have time for this. I have duties in the kitchen. I
am sure that Law would love for you to show him how to hold his weapon though,"
Rain smirked, spinning on his heel and striding off before either bewildered man
had a chance to protest.

~~~

"So how did it go?" Rain asked.

"I hate you," Law retorted sullenly, not even bothering with his usual uptight
noble speech.

"Law," Rain frowned at that statement.

"He just walked away."

"He was probably busy, that's all. We can try again tomorrow."

"You assaulted him, and insulted him. He shall never speak to me again."

Rain bit back the protest and shrugged.  "Whatever."

"You do not even intend to apologise?" Justice spoke as if it was completely
obvious what he referred to.

"What for?" Rain asked innocently.

"For ruining my chances with the Prince, of course."

"Look if it means that much to you I'll go and explain."

"You shall not, you will only make things worse."

But already Rain was striding out the room.

~~~

"Rain."  The smile on Prince Justices' lips was absolutely dazzling. It was the
sort of smile both men and women alike swooned over and wrote dreadful poetry
about. Serene blue eyes gazed down at the tray in Rain's hands. "Tea? Why thank
you, but I believe there has been a mistake.  I did not order any beverages."

Rain thrust the tray at the bewildered Prince, forcing him to take it. "Invite
me in."

"Sure, it would be a pleasure... do come..."

"What did you say to Law?"

"To whom?"

"The boy this morning.  Handsome, dark hair, wearing the deep blue tunic and
black trousers. What did you say to him?"

"Nothing," the prince blinked, finding a place to put the tray only to realise
every single surface was carpeted in flowers. He resigned himself to setting it
down upon the bed.

Rain sighed, scraping a hand through short crimson hair in frustration as he
pondered his next move.

"Would you like to share some of this tea?" the prince asked, a touch of
hesitation in his voice.

Rain ignored him, instead choosing to inspect the decorations, every so often
glancing at one trite poem or other and wincing. Men had been beaten for doing
less yet Rain remained completely oblivious to his breech of etiquette.

"Which do you like the best?"

Rain paced around the room frowning at all the displays. "It all seems like an
extravagant waste."

A flicker of a smile appeared on Justice's lips. "My thoughts precisely."

Rain paused over the bag of flour, prodding it with a finger before declaring.
"At least someone is practical."

Justice rolled his eyes.  "Yes but it is hardly the most romantic of gifts."

"The money spent on all these could have been used for so much more good." Rain
waved a hand around the room encompassing all the blooms. "There's nothing
romantic about people starving whilst others live in the lap of luxury. It's not
like you can eat flowers.  It's not like you can do anything with them at all.
They're utterly impractical and they don't even last any length of time. What a
waste."

"I know, I know. But what is there to do with them? It is tradition."

"Give them all away, make someone else's life brighter, and let your suitors
waste their money on other things."

The Prince replied with just another dazzling smile.

~~~

"Law."

"Go away," the young man ordered, not a trace of nobility in his voice.

"Open the door please, I brought you some tea," Rain practically begged.

"Get lost."

"I spoke to him," Rain said.

"You spoke to the prince?" The briefest flutterings of hope entered Laws heart.

"Yes. He said he liked your gift."

"He did?" Law brightened even more.

"Yes, he said it was better than all the others."

The door swung open, Law stared at Rain suspiciously, brown eyes hard as rock.

"He was just shy this morning, that's why he didn't speak to you." The excuses
and lies flowed from Rains tongue with ease.

"I knew that I stood a chance." Law flashed his teeth, positively lighting up at
the news.  "I shall have to send him another gift. Something sweet is the third
traditional gift."

"Well it would be if he was a girl," Rain muttered.

"I suppose that you have a better idea." It was a statement of fact, not a
question.

Rain nodded.  "Yes. All the others will be sending him the traditional cakes and
the like. Now what sort of sweet things does he like?"

"I do not know."

"Go ask him then."

"I cannot do that! It is not done," Law replied horrified at the mere prospect
of bothering the Prince with such a triviality.

"I suppose you'll want me to tell you then."

"You know?"

"I work in the kitchens, don't I? The prince does not like sweet things.  He
almost always skips dessert.  It irritates Cook to no end."

"Then what should I do?"

"Well first you could thank me for saving you the embarrassment of sending him
something he definitely wouldn't like. Since that's not likely to happen I have
another idea. He may not like sweet things but he is remarkably fond of wine. I
know of a recipe that can brew up a love potion with some wine. It couldn't
possibly fail."

"Witchcraft?" Law shook his head in protest.

"Not witchcraft, cookery. We'd best go to the kitchens at night, that way we
won't get underfoot."

~~~

"Don't hold the spatula like that, it's not a bloody sword," Rain chided. "Now
stir in figure of eights, and think love filled thoughts of the Prince."

Rain dropped in pinches of seemingly random herbs and spices into the bubbing
liqueur. Another slosh of wine, a few spoons of honey, some more bits and
pieces.

"Are you sure you're following a recipe?" Law inquired.

"Yes, of course I am. I don't tell you how to wave a sword around now do I, so
don't tell me how to do my job."

"So what makes this magic?" Law decided to humour him.

"Other than my wonderful cooking skills? That would be the spatula, of course,"
Rain grinned. "Watch you don't burn it. I made it myself back in the days my
parents thought that I should be a carpenter. It was the only thing I did
actually make.  By the time I finished I knew I wanted to be a cook."

"That smells interesting."

"Want to take a sip?"

"I am already in love.  I do not need to drink a potion to cast a spell upon
me." The whisper of Law's former self gone, his uptight prigishness returned.

Rain dipped a spoon into the liquid and sipped, doing his very best not to pull
a face at the ghastly thing he had managed to brew up. "We'll have to leave this
to cool.  I'll go get a bottle for it and you can take it to him yourself."

~~~

"How pleasant to see you in the kitchens, Sir Law." The title was delivered with
a quirk of Rain's lips, the formality feigned. "Did you have a pleasant night?
How was the prince?"

"As well as ever I would imagine."

It took a moment for Rain to realise exactly what he meant, fists clenched with
barely concealed frustration. "After all that work we did you didn't deliver the
wine?"

"I asked a servant to do it."

"Law," Rain cried in horror. "What am I going to do with you."

"Well he will have taken the potion by now." Laws assured expression wavered.

"That or there will be a dozen beggars chasing after him." Rain scowled, and
Law's assurance completely disappeared, leaving him looking both mystified and
slightly nauseated.

"Why ever would that happen?"

Rain ignored the question. "I think you should have taken the bottle to him
personally if you're so in love with him."

"You would not understand." Law fumbled for his confidence.

"No, I don't understand. Just go and talk to him. How can you possibly know that
you love him if you have never exchanged more than three words?"

"What should I speak to him about?"

"How should I know? Here take this," Rain thrust the first thing that came to
hand at Law, which happened to be the spatula. "Wrap a bow around it, tell him
it's a gift, just damned well go speak to him."

"He is a prince. Whyever would he want a spatula?"

"Because it's useful, he could mix the wine and flour together and bake a cake.
How in the gods' name should I know? Just do something."

"It's not even a well-made one." Law turned the implement over in his hands.

"I made it," Rain prodded Law in the chest. "And you are an ungrateful wretch.
Now go grow yourself a backbone, stop pining and moping around behind his back
and just go do something."

"How dare you," Law fumed.  "What would you know of love?"

"More than you it would seem."

"What would a mere kitchen boy know of matters of the heart?" Law repeated.

Rain moved closer, fists clenched with anger. Law took a step back to avoid the
inevitable blow, one hand raised to ward it off.  The strike never came.  Lips
met in a clumsy kiss, noses knocked, all tongues and teeth and saliva. Rain's
stomach churned, he pulled back almost immediately and scowled, wiping his mouth
against his sleeve. "Yeuch..." was his only response.

Law stared at him wide eyed for but a moment before belting him with the
spatula. "How dare you?"

"Yeuch..." Rain repeated. "That was gross..." hands raised to fend off any other
blows from the angry noble. "To think I wanted to do that for months now..." he
laughed.

"What was wrong with the kiss?"

"Everything," Rain declared, drawing on his own non-existent experience. "See
that's what you should do, if you love the prince so much.  Go and show him how
much you do instead of just living on dreams. Prove you're not just in love with
the idea of being in love."

"What a ridiculous notion." Law paused, then blinked, something finally settling
in. "You love me? How utterly hideous."

Rain laughed, "I never said that. I did wonder what it would be like to kiss you
and now I know." He shuddered involuntarily at the very thought. "You are quite
the ungrateful wretch you know?"

"How dare you!"

"I help you and do you even say thank you for all my help? No you don't.  You
continue to pine away."

"If I had wanted your help I would have asked for it."

"You did ask for it," Rain reminded.

"And a lot of use it has been to me."

"Okay that's it, if you want him get him yourself. And when he rips out your
heart and tears it into little pieces don't come running for me to make it
better."

"I had absolutely no intention of doing so."

"Good."

~~~

Rain returned from an exhausting day of work, collapsing onto his bed only to be
nearly skewered by the branch that lay there. Cursing under his breath he threw
the offending holly onto the floor and began to undress.

All that forgotten, he didn't even notice the piece of paper laid upon his
covers as curled up and let sleep claim him.

Morning came. The paper lay in a crumpled mess on the floor.  Rain finally
noticed it when he awoke. With a frown he slid off his bed, bending over to pick
it up, somehow managing to stand on the holly as he did so. Hopping on one foot,
swearing like a sailor, he ended up using the paper to stave off the worst of
the blood. Then, scowling, he peered at the words and all pain was immediately
forgotten.

"The bastard," he screamed. "The bloody bastard. Typical." Clothes were thrown
on, shoes pulled on, the holly branch kicked, the paper crumpled then unfolded,
then folded again, then torn into tiny shreds and tossed out of the window for
the wind to claim. The holly followed  suit and he stormed out his room towards
the practice yards.

~~~

"A pleasure to see you Rain." The Prince smiled that dazzlingly sickening smile
of his.

"What the hell is this?"

Justice blinked once, then twice at the seemingly mad servant who was waving
about nothing. "What is what?"

"It was you wasn't it? That attempt to kill me."

"Someone tried to assassinate you?"

"Yes, some stupid idiot stuck some thorns in my bed, and if that wasn't bad
enough they wrote me some absolute drivel." Rain looked at his hands, which
immediately dropped to his side, with the realisation he hadn't had the bit of
paper since he'd thrown it out the window.

"I'm surprised you can read at all."

"Hey!" Rain's scowl seemed in danger of becoming permanently etched on his face.
"Of course I can read. I'm not stupid. So you're going to deny everything so I
can get on my merry way?"

"What makes you think, I, the Prince, of all people would do such a thing?"

"Deny everything, or send the stupid stuff in the first place? You nobles
practically live in denial. I have absolutely no idea why you'd send it though.
To humiliate me perhaps. I might have suspected Law but there's no way he'd have
written quite so bad poetry, he at least figured out it had to rhyme."

"Poetry does not have to rhyme."

"So it was you?" Rain pounced on the almost admission.

"I never said that."

"You never denied it either," Rain pointed out.

Justice laughed. "No I did not."

"Didn't send it or didn't deny it?"

The Prince continued to laugh, blue eyes positively sparkling with amusement.

"Oh and whilst I'm here when are you going to put poor Law out of his misery?"

"He never seemed miserable to me."

"You've seen him?" Jealousy snaked into Rain's words.

"What is it to you if I have?"

"Typical.  If you hurt him I'll..."

"You'll what? Poison my next plate of scones?"

"Yes, probably."

"That sounds like treasonous talk to me." Though Justice's expression was
perfectly sincere, sarcasm dripped from his voice and his eyes continued to
glitter with mischief.

"You're not the King."

"How observant you are.  It's no wonder you made it all the way to kitchen
servant."

"Well at least I worked to get where I am as opposed to being dragged along on
my mothers skirts."

"Touché," the prince began laughing once more.

"What's so funny?"

"You are." Hands were held up in protest to stave off any more harsh words. "No,
I don't mean that as an insult. It has been all too long since anyone spoke to
me that way. It is... shall we say refreshing."

"Well I'm glad you're amused."

"You mean you are not?"

Rain paused for a moment then smirked. "So are you going to put Law out of his
misery?"

"Perhaps."

"You've made a decision to stop all those dreadful waste they call gifts?"

"Oh yes," the Prince smiled. "Are you not going to ask whom?"

"You know I'll say no."

"Yes of course you will that's why I am not asking you."

Rain's smirk faded, certainty disappearing and the vaguest hint of
disappointment settling on his shoulders.

"You are just a kitchen boy after all," Justice reminded. "An irritating,
arrogant kitchen boy who does not know his own place after all."

"Who was born under a dozen lucky stars. I work for my living, unlike half those
foppish poor excuses for nobility. There's nothing to be embarrassed about
actually doing something useful, and my parents are every bit as worthy as
theirs are."

"Quite true," Justice nodded.

"You don't want a sycophant do you? If you do then get a dog to fawn over you.
It'll probably be smarter too."

"Would speak less too," Justice mused. "Of course there's the whole tradition
thing."

"Tradition, schmadition."

Justice's smile began to grow. "But if I ask you then you're going to say no."

"Probably."

"So who should I ask? Law? He does claim to love me after all."

"It's just a crush, he'll probably have someone new next week. It's always the
same with you nobles and your passing fancies."

"And it's different for you?"

"I don't love you. I don't even know you."

"Good, because I can barely tolerate you." There was no sharp edge to Justice's
words, just wry amusement.  "You know I could always order you to agree to
become my... ahem... 'companion'. That way you would have no choice in the
matter."

"And I could always tell you to go take a running jump. I'm not a whore."

"Of course you aren't. So I suppose you have a solution to all this?"

"Yes. Come by the kitchens and I'll teach you how to hold a spatula proper?"

"What?" Justices jaw positively dropped, that being the last invitation he
expected.

"Well you did try to tell me how to hold a sword didn't you? Might as well
return the favour and at least prove there's one of your sort not scared of a
little hard work."

"And what if I fail this test?"

Rain chuckled.  "Then on your head be it."

"Rain?"

"Yes?"

The question was answered by three steps taken closer. The prince smiled,
another sickeningly beautiful smile. Rain's stomach lurched as he gazed up into
those deep blue eyes. The touch of lips was feather soft, there for but a
wondering instant.

"I don't like kissing," Rain muttered.

"Good since neither do I," Justice smirked.

"It wasn't that bad was it?"

"No, it was fine."

"But not good?"

"No, it wasn't good. Tell you what, you teach me how to use that damned spatula
of yours and I'll show you how to make it wonderful."

"That sounds like a threat."

"No, just a promise."

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